OBL to US: Surrender!

So, after a U.S. missile attack apparently killed several senior al-Qaeda leaders last week in eastern Pakistan, Osama bin Laden has a new message for Americans:

Surrender!

As he puts it in his new recorded message:

My message to you is about the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan and how to end them.

A mass murderer and a policy wonk? Where does he find the time? Well, go on...

And I say that, despite all the barbaric methods [of the U.S.], they have not broken the fierceness of the resistance.

Well, not to touch on a sore point, OBL, but they did break the fierceness of a few of your pals vacationing in Waziristan...

The mujahideen, thank God, are increasing in number and strength - so much so that reports point to the ultimate failure and defeat of the unlucky quartet of Bush, Cheney, Rumsfeld and Wolfowitz.

"Unlucky quartet." That's awesome. It'd be a great band name. Can I use that? Really? You're the best.

We don't mind offering you a long-term truce on fair conditions that we adhere to. We are a nation that God has forbidden to lie and cheat. So both sides can enjoy security and stability under this truce so we can build Iraq and Afghanistan, which have been destroyed in this war. There is no shame in this
solution...

You're all sunshine today! A truce with al-Qaeda. Well, that sounds interesting. Peace, fairness, no shame. Maybe we can sign the treaty in New York, it'll be all hugs and ticker-tape parades. Let's talk about the fair condi...

You have occupied our lands, offended our honor and dignity and let out our blood and stolen our money and destroyed our houses and played with our security and we will give you the same treatment.

Whoa! Hold your horses there, compadre! And, uh, buy a comma. We're trying to surrender. Now I believe you were talking about this "truce" option...

You have tried to prevent us from leading a dignified life, but you will not be able to prevent us from a dignified death. Failing to carry out jihad, which is called for in our religion, is a sin. The best death to us is under the shadows of swords.

You know, it really doesn't project a desire for peace when you talk that way. And I don't get what's so dignified about being dismembered by cutlery. What's second best, "mauled by a bear?" That's only slightly less dignified. Besides, a more technologically apt metaphor in your particular case would be to say that "the best death for us is to explode without warning into a blood-red mist."

Don't let your strength and modern arms fool you. They win a few battles but lose the war. Patience and steadfastness are much better. We were patient in fighting the Soviet Union with simple weapons for 10 years and we bled their economy and now they are nothing. In that there is a lesson for you.

Litvak (calling out across Tora Bora): Okay-ay! O.B. E-EL! You were right!
[SFX: silence]
Litvak (still yelling, cupping hands to mouth): I've abandoned my strength and modern arms! In what you said there was a lesson for me!
[SFX: crickets chirp]
Litvak: Come out and show me your steadfastness, I wanna win wars an' stuff!

Dammit, he's right. I'm never gonna get a chance to use my Barrett 50 Caliber Rifle.


...I guess I need a new hobby.