Monday, April 24, 2006

Planet of the Apes - Life Imitates Art

Some chimps in Sierra Leone attacked and killed some people.
Police don't know how the chimanzees escaped from the Tacugama Chimpanzee Sanctuary or why they attacked.

Sunday, April 23, 2006

OBL and Me Don't Always See Eye to Eye

Courtesy of Al Jazeera comes the text of Osama Bin' Laden's latest rant...
My fave bits, with retorts:
OBL:  The West is incapable of recognising the rights of others. It will not be able to respect others' beliefs or feelings. The West still believes in ethnic supremacy and looks down on other nations. They categorise human beings into white masters and coloured slaves.

The Litvak:  Dude, Saudi Arabia abolished slavery in 1962.  Sudan still has slavery.

OBL:  [Racism] is why [the West created] the United Nations and the veto power ... . They regard jihad for the sake of God or defending one's self or his country as an act of terror. US and Europe consider jihad groups in Palestine, Chechnya, Iraq and Afghanistan as terrorist groups, so how could we talk or have understanding with them without using weapons?

The Litvak:  Uh, what?  What was the jihad group trying to say in Beslan, exactly?

OBL:  The ongoing injustice and aggression did not stop in the last nine decades, while all attempts to reclaim our rights and exact justice on the Israeli oppressors, were blocked by the leadership of the Crusaders and Zionists' alliance by using the so-called veto power.

The Litvak:  Wow; you're making me wish I had this "veto power."  Oh, wait.  No.  You're saying I do have it.  Sweet.  Watch your step, everyone!

OBL:  [The West's] rejection to Hamas has reaffirmed that they were waging a crusade against Islam.

The Litvak:  Uh...

OBL:  The US was not satisfied by all the sedition and crimes, but went on to incite sedition, the largest of which was the west Sudan sedition by exploiting some disputes between the tribes and sparking a savage war between them that will spare nothing, prior to sending in Crusader troops to occupy the region and steal its oil wealth under the pretext of peacekeeping.

The Litvak:  The U.S. did that?  Finally, we're gonna get something out of peacekeeping...

OBL:  Our objective is obvious, that is defending Islam, the people and the land but not Khartoum government since our differences with them are so enormous, mostly when it backtracked in implementing the Sharia law and abandoned south Sudan.

The Litvak:  Well, I didn't vote for them either, Osama.

OBL:  I urge the mujahidin to get acquainted with Darfur state tribes and land and its surroundings, keeping in mind that the region is about to face the rainy season that hampers means of transport.

The Litvak:  Thanks for the travel tip!  I'll pack galoshes.

OBL:  ...This is one of the reasons why the occupation was adjourned for six months. So it is imperative to speed up action and benefit from the time factor by stocking a large amount of landmines and anti-armour grenades such as RPGs [rocket propelled grenades].

The Litvak:  Right.  I'll stop droppin' bombs all ova' Brooklyn an' save some for Khartoum, yo!

OBL:  What was the aim of the pressure against Indonesia by the Crusaders countries until East Timor, 24 hours after a warning by the UN? A Crusader-Zionist-Hindu war against Muslims.

The Litvak:  I would never have guessed the answer to that one.  Are you saying we have the Hindus on our team now?  We are so gonna kick your butt in the next Crusader-Zionist-Hindu v. Umma cricket match.  It'll be close, anway.

OBL:  With respect to Pakistan, some Muslims have done a good job by assisting their fellow Muslims, God bless them, but the Pashtun tribes must be aided after the Pakistan army devastated their homes in Waziristan in order to satisfy the US.

The Litvak:  Come on, everything the people you don't like do is not "to satisfy the U.S."

OBL:  What does the silence over Russian atrocities inside Chechnya mean, along with mutilating their bodies by tying them to tanks while the so-called free world gives its blessings and even secretly supports the aggression ? This is a Zionist crusade.

The Litvaks:  Yes, the Russians do our bidding.  It all makes sense now.

OBL:  And the use of depleted uranium, besieging Iraq for years, causing the death of more than one million children which amazed all who had visited Iraq, including the Westerners themselves? It is a malicious crusade against Muslims.

The Litvak:  Depleted uranium killed one million Iraqi children? I am amazed.

OBL:  What about the continuous cultural domination through the setting up of radio stations and TV channels along with the Voice of America, London and others to continue the cultural domination of Muslims, combat our beliefs, change our values, encourage vice and even interfere with school curricula? 

The Litvak:  It's all true.  First we distract you with the uranium-child-megadeath, then we land the school curriculum change!  Wham-BAM!

OBL:  I think I'm falling for you, The Litvak.

The Litvak:  Gotta go.  Take a shower.

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

DNA, SchmeeNA

From an article from today's NYT about "recreational" genetic testing to determine the ethnicity of yer forebears:
Israeli authorities have so far denied John Haedrich what he calls his genetic birthright to citizenship without converting to Judaism. Under Israel's "law of return," only Jews may immigrate to Israel without special dispensation.

Mr. Haedrich, a nursing home director who was raised a Christian, found through a DNA ancestry test that he bears a genetic signature commonly found among Jews. He says his European ancestors may have hidden their faith for fear of persecution.

Rabbis, too, have disavowed the claim: "DNA, schmeeNA," Mr. Haedrich, 44, said the rabbi at a local synagogue in Los Angeles told him when he called to discuss it.

Undeterred, Mr. Haedrich has hired a lawyer to sue the Israeli government.

Please, Mr. Haedrich.  We are honored that you're so proud of your possibly Jewish ancestry-- but there's more to being Jewish than "Jewish genes," suing people, or moving to Israel.  Those are just stereotypes.
Why not start by going to a Holocaust-themed movie and eating Chinese food next Christmas?
On that note-- Happy Pesach, everyone.

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Friedman's Asian Immigrant Fetish

Not to be outdone by Brooks's simple-minded column on immigration, Thos. Friedman pulls out all the stops with his metaphor-o-thon!: 
Gated Community:  When it comes to immigration, Friedman wants "a very high fence, with a very big gate."  That means tamperproof ID cards, which are like a fence you keep in your pocket if you want health care.
Sports Team:  Talented foreigners are "first-round intellectual draft choices."
Ye Age of Talente:  We now live in the "Talent Age, and countries that make it easy to draw in human talent will have a distinct advantage today."
Immigrants --> Cool Toys:  Switzerland's most famous invention is the lowly cuckoo clock because it is difficult to immigrate to Switzerland.  I suppose our most famous invention is the hamburger because we were savvy enough to open our shores...
Asian Immigrants are Economic Viagra:  The "huge pent-up aspirations" of China and India are like a shaken Champagne bottle -- "Don't get in the way of that cork. Immigrants keep that kind of energy flowing in America's veins."  Friedman is silent about what kind of wonder drug non-Asian immigrants might be.
Money quote #1:  "Porous borders empower only anti-immigrant demagogues, like the shameful CNN, which dumbs down the whole debate."  Pot, meet kettle.  Kettle, pot.
Money quote #2:  "...many [factory] jobs can now be done faster by a computer or cheaper by a Chinese worker."  Hah!  Friedman-- you admit there's a difference.  Gotcha!