Wednesday, January 02, 2008

Gorilla Inflation

Go ahead and Google "pound gorilla" -- as in "Microsoft is the 500 pound gorilla" -- and I think you'll see a trend of disturbing inflation in gorilla weight.
Used to be a silverback tipping the scales at a mere quarter ton was the metaphorical tough guy who everyone else had to respect.
Now I see mention of the 600-, 700-, 800-, 900-, and even thousand-pound gorilla.  I mean, big silverbacks weigh about 440 pounds, maybe 500, with obese captive gorillas reaching 600 lbs.  Do bananas now grow to five pounds each to feed these horse-sized gorillas? 
The idiom isn't about diabetic apes eating tourists' thrown Doritos.  Just because we've all seen 800 pound humans on Oprah doesn't mean a gorilla half that size couldn't beat the snot out of the five strongest humans at once. 
This is an animal that can punch you so hard your shoes will bruise and your 400-pound gorilla bodyguard will retire and teach middle-school P.E.
I am calling on the Federal Reserve to raise the interzoo rate on gorilla flesh half a point to bring the weight of the "X-pound gorilla" back down to a fighting trim 500 pounds.  You can do your part, too, by referring to "the 500 pound gorilla" in conversation and adding, "..that really is as big as a gorilla needs to be to really, you know, be as big and strong as any gorilla."  Catchy!

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