Sh*t Sandwich in Iraq

Holy crud.
NYT's excellent Robert F. Worth (husband of a friend of mine) reports that-- if I may borrow from "Full Metal Jacket" and paraphrase Worth-- the situation in Iraq is a sh*t sandwich, and we've all got to take a bite.

Everyone in Baghdad seems to be either in the Green Zone, blowing up civilians, or is a civilian getting blown up in a line for a job, kerosene, or whatever.

As I said about two months ago:

Split the country up already. Let the Baathists keep Baghdad, give the oil to the Shia and Kurds, keep around 30,000 troops in the Kurdish part to prevent civil war and discourage them from pissing off Turkey.

There's going to be massive dislocation, but, I mean, a committment to creating a democracy that incorporates the Sunnis and the Shiites is looking pretty naive.
I don't think Iraqis are stupid.
And an Iraqi who voted for someone who's espousing liberal democracy &c., rather than protecting members of his sect from mosque-bombing fanatics, would have to be stupid.

Democracy among groups that don't want to murder each other seems moderately feasible, but this? Narishkeit.

Hmm. Looking back on the page, I see I've strayed into politics.
Fine, then.

I do have a less political question for this post--

Has anyone noticed that the ratio of dead:wounded in these bombings always seems to be about 1:4.5?
Any grisly theories to explain it?

The Manticore Eyes You Tenderly...

So, the New York Times reports that Dungeons & Dragons ("D&D") is going online.

Some poor reporter had to go interview some grown men who play pen-and-paper D&D...

The night's dungeon master, Rich, tax director for a New York City company, would not divulge his last name out of what he described as professional discretion. "I play because I have a very creative mind and a very noncreative job," he said (though some tax experts might disagree). "So the game helps me balance it out. There is no creativity at the computer, because you're limited by what the programmers thought you might do. Here in person, I can react dynamically to the players and craft an adventure specifically for them."

i.e., players can have sex with mythological creatures.

Sam Weiss, 41, from the Bronx, leaned over a few dice and the erasable grid on the table that players use to lay out combat scenarios with miniature figures. "Computer games are inherently limited because they only give you a set number of options," he said. "In a game like this, what we can do is limited only by our minds."

Oh, the poor nymphs!  The unfortunate, uh, dryads!  I'm just glad they didn't include any pictures.

Oh, wait. -->

Alack, mermaids.  Very sorry, valkyries.

I'd've Called it the "Lesser Litvak's Beaver-Otter"

Paleontologists in that dusty part of China where all the fossils hang out have discovered a fossil of the earliest known swimming mammal. 

164 million years of swimming mammals.

Represent.

Looking like a miniature (1-2 lbs.) cross between a beaver and an otter, they named it the "Otver."  Well, actually, Castorcauda lustrasimilis, which amounts to the same thing.

My question is, I guess, did it really have a fin?:

What's Dark and Purple and Full of Torture?

Abu Grape.

 

Honestly.  The New York Times, reporting on the recently-released pictures of torture from Abu Ghraib, fits a megillah's worth of stupid into a little paragraph:

The prisoner-abuse scandal has been acutely embarrassing for the United States military, whose members are taught to treat prisoners with respect. The incidents at Abu Ghraib were considered especially damaging to the United States' image among Iraqi civilians and in the wider Arab world, where nudity is disdained.

"[W]hose members are taught to treat prisoners with respect." 

Okay, they have clearly failed that course.

 

And sex-themed torture hurts our reputation because ... nudity is disdained in the Arab world?

 

Do I need a punchline here?  Yecch.

 

 

Elements of Strategy #1: Don't Start a Pissing Match You Can't Win

Check this out:  Catfight!

The perfect illustration of a basic element of strategy:  Don't start a pissing match you can't win.

Plus, funny.

 

I'm linking to cats now.  I feel so... Litotical.

This Is Not a Time for You to Be Speaking

From CNN: 

Proclaiming "I am al Qaeda," Zacarias Moussaoui [ed:  the suspected 9/11 hijacker who couldn't make it that day] was removed from the courtroom as jury selection began Monday at a trial to determine whether he should be executed for terror conspiracy.

***
The disruption began with Moussaoui protesting that he did not want to be represented by his defense attorneys.
"I am al Qaeda. They do not represent me. They are Americans," Moussaoui objected.
U.S. District Court Judge Leonie M. Brinkema told Moussaoui that "this was not a time for him to be speaking."
***
About 120 prospective jurors who witnessed the outburst sat in silence.
***
After the interruption, Brinkema told potential jurors to note on their questionnaires if they thought Moussaoui's actions might influence their decision-making.

I suppose the answer would be, uh... what?  Would the defendant's declaration that he "[is] al Qaeda" influence my decision-making?

Hmm.  If I told you it wouldn't influence my decision about whether to, say, let someone watch my luggage before I get on a plane that he says he's al Qaeda, would you let me fly?

Of course not.  Someone with that level of opacity can't leave town-- we need him to serve on a jury.

The Wages of Sin Is Now $145,000 a Year Before Bonus

Today's New York Law Journal reports that Sullivan & Cromwell has boosted first year associates' salaries to $145,000 a year before bonuses.

The raise, says the article, mostly shifts compensation toward salary and away from year-end bonuses.

Partner Benjamin Stapleton "said the firm was 're-balancing' its mix of base pay and bonus in recognition of the fact that most associates lived day-to-day on their salaries."

Wow. 

Even living in New York City, saving none of $125,000 a year while you wait for your $40,000 bonus seems kind of obscene.

 

Also, this means I'll probably be able to pay off my debt a little faster, when my firm follows suit.

I'm Rich!

Well, I've been corresponding with a guy in Liberia since last June.
He's promised me a cut of several million dollars if I help him in some unspecified way to move the money to the U.S.
I'm embarrassed to say I believed he was a scam artist, but now I know he was telling the truth when he said his poisoned father bequeathed him a bunch of money and told him to flee to the States and, get a college education.
Why do I believe? Because today he e-mailed me this:

Looks legit to me. Where do I mail my bank account number?

You Got Your Chocolate in My Peanut Butter!

New York Times! 

Look.  I didn't vote for Bush, either.  But I'm not running the most esteemed newspaper in the world.

Does this really belong in a news article:?

 

Yet even as Haiti prepares to pick its first elected president since the rebellion two years ago, questions linger about the circumstances of Mr. Aristide's ouster — and especially why the Bush administration, which has made building democracy a centerpiece of its foreign policy in Iraq and around the world, did not do more to preserve it so close to its shores .

 

[my italics]

 

This isn't even close to the first time, either. You gotta learn to, you know, think some things that you don't write.

Even the rabid Wall Street Journal op-ed page doesn't leak onto the news.

 

Tsk. Tsk.

Separated at Birth:

Osama and Junior Gorg?

OBL to US: Surrender!

So, after a U.S. missile attack apparently killed several senior al-Qaeda leaders last week in eastern Pakistan, Osama bin Laden has a new message for Americans:

Surrender!

As he puts it in his new recorded message:

My message to you is about the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan and how to end them.

A mass murderer and a policy wonk? Where does he find the time? Well, go on...

And I say that, despite all the barbaric methods [of the U.S.], they have not broken the fierceness of the resistance.

Well, not to touch on a sore point, OBL, but they did break the fierceness of a few of your pals vacationing in Waziristan...

The mujahideen, thank God, are increasing in number and strength - so much so that reports point to the ultimate failure and defeat of the unlucky quartet of Bush, Cheney, Rumsfeld and Wolfowitz.

"Unlucky quartet." That's awesome. It'd be a great band name. Can I use that? Really? You're the best.

We don't mind offering you a long-term truce on fair conditions that we adhere to. We are a nation that God has forbidden to lie and cheat. So both sides can enjoy security and stability under this truce so we can build Iraq and Afghanistan, which have been destroyed in this war. There is no shame in this
solution...

You're all sunshine today! A truce with al-Qaeda. Well, that sounds interesting. Peace, fairness, no shame. Maybe we can sign the treaty in New York, it'll be all hugs and ticker-tape parades. Let's talk about the fair condi...

You have occupied our lands, offended our honor and dignity and let out our blood and stolen our money and destroyed our houses and played with our security and we will give you the same treatment.

Whoa! Hold your horses there, compadre! And, uh, buy a comma. We're trying to surrender. Now I believe you were talking about this "truce" option...

You have tried to prevent us from leading a dignified life, but you will not be able to prevent us from a dignified death. Failing to carry out jihad, which is called for in our religion, is a sin. The best death to us is under the shadows of swords.

You know, it really doesn't project a desire for peace when you talk that way. And I don't get what's so dignified about being dismembered by cutlery. What's second best, "mauled by a bear?" That's only slightly less dignified. Besides, a more technologically apt metaphor in your particular case would be to say that "the best death for us is to explode without warning into a blood-red mist."

Don't let your strength and modern arms fool you. They win a few battles but lose the war. Patience and steadfastness are much better. We were patient in fighting the Soviet Union with simple weapons for 10 years and we bled their economy and now they are nothing. In that there is a lesson for you.

Litvak (calling out across Tora Bora): Okay-ay! O.B. E-EL! You were right!
[SFX: silence]
Litvak (still yelling, cupping hands to mouth): I've abandoned my strength and modern arms! In what you said there was a lesson for me!
[SFX: crickets chirp]
Litvak: Come out and show me your steadfastness, I wanna win wars an' stuff!

Dammit, he's right. I'm never gonna get a chance to use my Barrett 50 Caliber Rifle.


...I guess I need a new hobby.

Trogday

Happy Birthday, Trogdor.

This Is Power Politics, Not Sharing Time in Preschool

A quote from George Friedman of Stratfor, discussing Iran's recent nuclear moves:

This, by the way, is a good place to pause and explain to readers who
will write in wondering why the United States will tolerate an Israeli nuclear
force but not an Iranian one. The answer is simple. Israel will probably not
blow up New York. That's why the United States doesn't mind Israel having
nukes and does mind Iran having them. Is that fair? This is power politics, not
sharing time in preschool. End of digression.

Prejudice Map!

I'm always falling so behind on my prejudices... No more, with this handy Google-fueled prejudice map!

The Wages of ... Hastiness ... is Death?

345 people were killed in a stampede in Mina today.  The stampede took place at a part of the hajj (Muslim pilgrimage to Mecca) where pilgrims have to hit each of three stone pillars (" al-Jamarat") that represent the Devil with seven thrown stones in order to purge themselves of sin.  My condolences to the families of the pilgrims.

I don't know anyone with relatives on hajj, or I'd definitely call them.  Before blogging to make fun of the Saudi government about it.

 

So, uh, how exactly did that happen?

 

It seems the Saudi authorities and, well, everyone else, have different ideas about the cause of this tragedy.

 

According to ABC:

The site in the desert of Mina outside the holy city of Mecca is a notorious bottleneck in the weeklong pilgrimage and has seen deadly incidents in seven of the past 17 years, including a stampede in 1990 that killed 1,426 people and one in 2004 that killed 244.

***

Ensuring a smooth pilgrimage is a key concern for Saudi Arabia's royal family, which bolsters its legitimacy by touting its role as the "custodian of the holy cities" of Mecca and Medina, where Islam's 7th century prophet Muhammad was born and lived.

 

So important that the Saudis would probably have gone to any trouble to prevent another stampede, right?  And they did.  Of course. 

 

First, Saudi Arabia "sets a quota of participants, allowing every nation to send 1,000 pilgrims for every 1 million in population."  That's one in 1,000, and with 1.5 billion Muslims, only gets you to 1.5 million pilgrims.  But the same article said this year's hajj drew 2.5 million pilgrims.  Saudi population is about 26 million, so it's at least conceivable the extra million pilgrims are all locals, and not that the quota system isn't run properly.

 

Besides, "[a]bout 60,000 Saudi police and soldiers patrolled the Mina plain once the stoning ritual began Tuesday to direct pilgrims. Helicopters flew overhead, and authorities monitored the pilgrims from a control room through closed-circuit TV."  Please, no Saudi army jokes-- this is a family blog.

 

"They look indifferent. They don't carry out their duties seriously," Iftikhar Hussein, an Iraqi pilgrim, said.

Well, I think we can chalk that comment up to Iraqis and their impossibly high standards for personal security and competent government.  What else?

 

There are also entrance and exit ramps, and signs...

Thursday's stampede occurred below the platform, near one of the four big ramps. In theory, the crowds are supposed to enter the platform using two of the ramps and exit down the other two, but pilgrims often ignore the rules. Thousands of pilgrims were rushing to complete the last of the three days of the stoning ritual before sunset when some of them began to trip over dropped baggage, causing a large pileup, said Maj. Gen. Mansour al-Turki, spokesman for the Interior Ministry.

Many pilgrims carry personal belongings tents, clothes and bags of food as they move between the various stages of the hajj.

"This was fate destined by God," al-Turki said. "Some of the pilgrims were undisciplined and hasty to finish the ritual as soon as possible."

 

Now I see. Destined by God.  Punishing with death those who were . . . hasty? Yes.  The wages of hastiness is death (Sura cite not likely forthcoming, though I've e-mailed al-Turki).

 

I'm sure God wouldn't care that "[m]any of the pilgrims are in a rush because of the time constraints on the ritual and their anxiety about past stampedes."  It's not like He would care that the pilgrims trekked from halfway around the globe to fulfil their religious duties if they finally succumbed to Hastiness.  A lack of discipline and patience, while it's not at the top of His list of sins, is certainly one of his, I dunno, pet peeves.

 

"This should not happen every year. It should be stopped, it's a scandal. There must be a way to organize this better," said Anwar Sadiqi, a pilgrim from Pakistan.

Sadiqi, you faithless whiner!  You think just because your government can split the atom that crowd control is within Man's reach? Didn't you listen to the Major General?  It's because God created Man from dust and clay, which are, if you don't think too hard about it, irredeemably undisciplined and hasty.

 

Past stampedes serve to test the valor and patience of the present pilgrims.  And those past stampedes, along with another stampede (in spite of, I might add, some at least half-assed efforts by the Interior Ministry to prevent stampeding) must mean this was God's will.  This is in no way a reflection on the feckless government in charge of Mecca, and anyone who insinuates otherwise is probably committing the sin of judgmentalism.

Whatchyagonnado?  It's not like people will stop coming.

 

I need a nap.

Close Contact of the Unspecified Kind

In today's NYT is a piece about how some people in Turkey have the avian flu virus but aren't sick.
From the article:

The group includes two sets of brothers: the two who show no symptoms at all,
and a set from the distant suburbs who developed mild symptoms after contact
with gloves that had been used to dispose of a dead duck. The fifth is a
65-year-old man from inside the city itself, who the Turkish health ministry
says had "close contact with a chicken," without elaborating on the
details.

Uh, he is going to get such a ribbing from his friends because of this.

"Best feature 'AVN' (porn) goes to...

... 'Pirates,' a relatively high-budget story of a group of ragtag sailors who go searching for a crew of evil pirates who have a plan for world domination. Also, many of the characters in the movie have sex with one another."

(link)

Gourmand Suicide-- Don't Do It!

This excellent NYT piece on the diabetes epidemic that's almost as depressing as last week's bombings in Iraq.

Maybe more so.

I can't really protect Iraqis from being blown up, but I could probably help out the obese (help them help themselves?).

 

Maybe NYC's many schmancy gyms should do pro bono to help out all the poor, sedentary people killing themselves with their forks.

 

Man, I need a donut.

Terrible News Day

Reading the paper today makes me want to go back to bed.

 

In the past day, Sunni insurgent suicide bombers murdered over 100 people in Iraq ( article)-- pilgrims at a Shia religious shrine, mourners at a Shia funeral, and police academy applicants standing in line.

 

The bomber at the shrine wore "an explosive belt under clothing packed with metal balls."

 

Insurgents also kidnapped the sister of the Iraqi interior minister, attacked gasoline tanker trucks and an oil pipeline (those whom the gods would destroy, they first give oil), blew up a number of car bombs in attacks against security forces, and killed 2 American troops with a roadside bomb.

 

"After news of the funeral blast, Secretary General Kofi Annan of the United Nations urged Iraqis 'to refrain from any action which could undermine Iraq's democratic progress.' He called the attacks the latest example of an 'increasing number of violent incidents' following the vote."

 

I suppose I should be happy to learn that Annan's comments are just as ridiculous after terrorists murder civilians in Iraq as in Israel.  And the same theme of "this constant violence is really getting in the way of our beloved peace--please don't dignify it with a response"... ugh.

 

Split the country up already.  Let the Baathists keep Baghdad, give the oil to the Shia and Kurds, keep around 30,000 troops in the Kurdish part to prevent civil war and discourage them from pissing off Turkey. 

 

Crap, I've strayed into politics, haven't I?  Well, more nonsense tomorrow.

 

Speaking of Israel (well, I was, a few paragraphs up...), Sharon's had a serious stroke and the Kadima party's as good as dead.  And along with, it seems, dies the hope of pushing everyone (right wing Israelis, most Palestinians) along into a two-state solution they can all be equally miserable about and then live with.

 

I need a beer.

Guest Panel Discusses "Transit Strike: Friend or Foe?"

Loyal readers,

I know you'll never tire of my voice.
Of my crisp, clarion, and charming banter.
Of my priceless insight into such topics as SHPOSes, ways to choke people unconscious, and what I did this past weekend.

But I am a giving person, and I want to give more.
That's why I'm bringing in a panel of guest commentators while they're available.
Today's topic for discussion is "Transit Strike: Friend or Foe?"
But first, I think the panel members should introduce themselves.



First, your moderator is Brokk, the self-aware demolition robot:

Brokk!!! Pardon me. Thank you, The Litvak. I shall do my best to acquit myself without discredit. Brokk!!!

And the rest of today's panel:

	Avast, ye SHPOSes! 'Tis I, The Whaler!
	I'm Monica Bellucci. You may recognize me as the star of "Matrix: Reloaded" and "Brotherhood of the Wolf."
	Who wakes the dead from their eternal slumber? The Ghost of Thorstein Veblen answers all.
	David Lo Pan in the house.

	Well, then, shall we get on with it? Today's topic is "Transit Strike: Friend or Foe." The Whaler, you spend a lot of time in the subways enforcing rules of mass transit etiquette with the business end of a harpoon. What do you have to say about all this?
	Aarr. I admit I was influenced overmuch by the films of the nineteen-eighties. Still, the illegal strike is near certain to throw society into anarchy. I reckon we will soon see digruntled Iraq veterans assault and hold Central Park, demanding better pensions. Tommy Lee Jones showed how it's done in "The Park is Mine." Fine film, that.
	HmmmMMMmmm! The 1980s gave us the greatest films of all time, there can be no doubt. I see John Leguizamo as the shell-shocked Marine sniper back from Falluja, and Jessica Alba as the gutsy reporter who is not afraid to have her hair blown in the wind, her cheeks streaked with leaves and dust in a makeshift Central Park sniper's nest, and her blouse...
	...Lo Pan, you see Jessica Alba everywhere you look.
	Yes, if only she had green eyes, like emerald lightning...
	...enough film references-- we don't want a lawsuit here. Besides, I disagree that that movie advanced Tommy Lee Jones' career.
	This, from someone who appeared in both Matrix sequels. At least the transit strike has had the salutary effect of disrupting the conspicuous consumption of the Christmas season. "Conspicuous consumption"--have I mentioned that I coined that phrase?
	Only like a million times.
	Brokk!!! Shall we turn the conversation back to the strike?
	It does dampen me spirits. No subways means no SPHOSes with whom to do battle.
	From what the recently departed SHPOSes tell me, it's not so much "do battle" as "impale from the shadows with thrown harpoons."
	I'd fight 'em mano a mano, but they keep runnin' away!
	This discussion is completely out of touch with working-class New York. The people the strike hurts most are not vigilantes, killer robots, ghosts, and demonic sorcerer-kings. Lower-income people who have long commutes and have lost pay right when they need to buy Christmas presents are the real victims. Them, and gorgeous Italian movie stars.
	Aye.
	Well, that's all the time we have. This has been highly informative.

Uh huh. Thanks, guys.
I think there are still some kinks to work out, but we're on the right track with this format.
Have a wonderful Holiday Season.