Friday, August 19, 2005

Bluefin Occupation Update

Me, again, Consul Bluefin (from this post) shoutin' at ya.

Now, I know everyone hasn't gotten on board with the "with us or against us" speech I made back in June.

Insurgent killings of fish continue, and land creatures still struggle to achieve freedom and equality.

The Atlantic Province has dispatched military observers to many hot spots across the waterless realm, but do not be alarmed; they are serving in a purely advisory capacity.
Lieutenant General Swishy
General Swishy's command brought this New York Times piece to our attention today.

It seems David G. Burney, executive director of the United States Tuna Foundation, expends his efforts inciting the murder and consumption of my kind.
I'd hate to see the platform of the Anti-Tuna Foundation.

In any case, the Times' esteemed Melanie Warner points out that we Tuna are, you know, full of the deadly metal mercury.
And it's bad for you! Viz.:
Symptoms of mercury toxicity include kidney troubles, irritability, tremors, changes in vision or hearing, and memory problems.

Did you just read that?! Irritability! Tremors!
If you've been eating fish and have felt irritable, I can promise blind, deaf, amnesiac shaking is probably next. The wages of sin is tremors.

If you're of an ill-conceived viviparous body plan, eating mercury can accumulate in the tissues of your offspring during their unnatural gestation. And then, when it emerges from the artificial sea of your distended abdomen-- bad news, people.
The article does not discuss the effects of mercury on the Times' oviparous readers, but let me tell you: it's not pretty.

Mr. Burney says he is "convinced that getting mercury toxicity from tuna is impossible. While his wife was pregnant, he said, she consumed a can of albacore tuna almost every day."
Another tunacidal maniac "says his three boys, 9-year-old triplets, eat several cans of albacore a week.

He probably means his 9-year-old three-headed son.

Humans, what lies beneath these noble scales is no Chicken of the Sea. It is instead bitter death on a bed of roasted garlic couscous.

4 comments:

Jack Roy said...

Roasted cous cous? Ugh. Can you say "needlessly crunchy"?

The Litvak said...

Oh, man! You missed the whole point of the post, J.R.! Which is, uh, which is, that "roasted" modifies "garlic," not "couscous!"

markjones5314 said...

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The Litvak said...

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