Tuesday, August 16, 2005

SHPOSes: This Means War

Yesterday some SHPOSes broke into my apartment building in the middle of the day and robbed all three units.
They pried open the doors with a crowbar (bending the doors and popping off the deadbolts . . . except for our unit, b/c we didn't lock the deadbolt) and turned the rooms upside down.
They emptied our drawers all over the place, they took my fig tree out of its pot (no, f***ers, that's not where I keep my dubloons, a pox on ye), they looked under the mattresses.

They took jewelry (I don't own any, so didn't lose any), power tools (ditto), laptops (not so lucky there...), a PlayStation, and checkbooks (no great loss).
And the lowlifes stole my box of Oreos that I had sitting on the counter.

I know I've criticized SHPOSes here and here, and suggested a rather draconian solution to their conduct here, but, hey, SHPOSes: Back the f*** off.
You think you're the guys from "Heat"? No. You're the guys from "Cops".
Crawl back into your hole (and die).

Seems the burlgar(s?) were modestly competent:
-They took only specified types of booty, leaving gem cases full of CDs, DVD players, DVDs, stereos, digital cameras, desktop computers, passports, liquor;
-They seem to have cased the apartment: people are home 3 or 4 of the weekdays, and they came after the mailman;
-They wore gloves (says the fingerprint guy);
-They broke open file cabinets and apparently just took out jewelry appraisals, then searched that unit for the jewelry. Well, don't that beat all, someone taught a SHPOS to read!

My only losses were the cookies, checks, an old laptop, and a less old laptop. And I think a Brookstone "monocular" I had in a little case.

I figure they have a fence for the electronics and jewelry, have some scam with the checks, and will keep the power tools and monocular for more B&E fun. And they probably ate my Oreos.

Note to the people at Nabisco: They took my Oreos, but left the "Golden Oreos" (non-chocolate Oreos) in my neighbors' apartment. Those things are vile. Oreos without chocolate? May as well make Nestle Quik in "Just Plain Sugar" flavor. Yecch.

Of course I hadn't backed up all the photos, music, software, and everything I've written on a computer since ... I don't even want to think about it. Instead, I want to think about how long I could keep them alive and conscious, bound with wire to chairs in my shower stall while I made the rest of their lives so unpleasant they'd be sighing in relief when I finally sent them to hell.
In the shower stall, because, you know, of course, there'd be an awful mess before I was done.
And my roommate lost a much nicer computer, and had no renter's insurance. I assume he'd want some time with bamboo slivers and rubbing alcohol before I tried my thing with the fire ants, the Barry Manilow CD, and the burlap sack full of angry rats.

The cops from the 76th precinct who responded were friendly and competent, as were the detectives who came by this morning.
They suggested an alarm and new locks.

I want the landlord the put in the moat from "The Beastmaster" (check out this link, too).
One that looks like the surrounding ground but is actually a coated in flammable oil, coated in dirt. Take that, Jun horde.
Oh, and also from "The Beastmaster," I think my landlord should line the corridors with prison cells occupied by wildly flailing spike-covered maniacs.


SHPOSes: This Means War.

4 comments:

Undaground said...

Golden Oreos DO suck, Peenak.

Anonymous said...

Sorry to hear about this guys. --DP

Jack Roy said...

That sucks, dude. Enough for me to say "dude," dude.

tenderfoot said...

they took the monocular? i cannot believe they'd coopt an innocent, bird-watching, stage-zooming monocular for evil. this is personal.