Goat in Himmel

I've written before (here and here) on how noble is the humble goat (also check out webcomic Goats, which I've been reading for a while and whose excellence was recently recognized in PC Magazine).

In another memailed article, the NYT is reporting that, in addition to

• tasting delicious
• substiting for the human sacrifice of Isaac
• protecting tenants from Plagues in Egypt (with their, um, blood on the lintel)
• carrying off people's sins (scapegoats)
• weaning farmers off tobacco production
• easing the transition of Somali refugees
• removing weeds in place of pesticides
• preventing forest fires by grazing on brush
• fighting trolls
• giving us goat cheese, and
• making fancy sweaters

...goats also help free the South from the invasive kudzu vine .

 

Time to step up, other forms of livestock!

Remedial Lessons in Terrorist Tradecraft

I lived in Fort Dix when I was tiny, and one of my younger sisters was born there.  My Dad was a doctor in the Army for a short stretch.  I called the place "Four Ducks," apparently influenced more by the presence of ducks than by veneration for a Civil War general.  I remember my sister in a high chair and Tonka trucks and, lessee ... a lamp I had shaped like a clown.  Yes, Fort Dix rocks.

 

Now some would-be terr'rists wanna attack it? 

 

The New York Times reports that Yugoslavian brothers Dritan, Eljvir and Shain Duka, along with another Yugoslavian guy, a Jordanian guy and a Turkish guy decided to form a little terror cell in New Jersey and attack an Army base. 

 

Based on a map one of them obtained while visiting the base in his job as a pizza deliveryman.

 

So they trained with deadliest guns and ran in deadlist woods and plotted deadliest plots and thought deadliest thoughts. 

Plus, one was named "Dritan," which already sounds like the name of a villain.  Or like the name of a nasal spray.

 

Their Achilles' heel?  They made a DVD of themselves shooting guns in the air while "calling for jihad and shouting Allah Akbar."  And then went to a store to have copies made.  A store employee found it "disturbing" and called the Law, who agreed.

 

Jack Bauer, we hardly need ye. 

#$%^ A Duck!

In a Memailed article, the NYT reports that male ducks grow enormous spiral phalluses.

 

Why? 

 

Turns out male ducks rape female ducks a lot, and it's better for a female duck if she can reproduce with the mate she chooses (think of all the loser male ducks you know and it makes sense).

So female ducks evolved to have long, labyrinthine oviducts, and the males had to evolve matching phalluses just to keep up and compete with other males.

 

And I thought being oviparous was all mating-for-life and "March of the Penguins."  Yecch.

I'm Not Worthy!

Today at BJJ, Georges St. Pierre came to train.

A really nice guy, but I'm happy not to have sparred with him today!

 

Heroes

If you didn't love Heroes before, you have to love it now that it has Eric Roberts in it.

Eric Roberts? From Best of the Best?

Watch out, Heroes crew:  If I were an eccentric billionaire and Chris Penn hadn't died, I'd get the whole cast together for a live theater production of that movie.  It'd be bigger than Lion King , and Eric Roberts would be recognized for the acting-as-a-character-whose-shoulder-is-dislocated genius he is.

Super News Roundup! Suicide! Gay Cars! Corzine Crash!

The AP reports that a man jumped off the Empire State Building today (and died).

According to the article, someone called the police after seeing a severed leg (wearing a sock) on the street below.

Kudos to the NYPD for its powers of deduction-- police found the leg's owner (minus one leg, and one sock -- Aha!) on a setback on the 30th floor.

 

I presume the AP described the victim as "a lawyer in his 30s" to make the story seem less sad? 

Although the jumper wasn't named, you can probably deduce from this post (and from my general attachment to being alive) that the lawyer in his 30s was not The Litvak.

 

---

 

Also, the NYT adds to its hard-hitting coverage of "metrosexuals" and "man dates" with its report that some cars are "gay."  Bravo to Alex Williams, the Alfred Kinsey of automobiles.

 

---

 

And in related news, I believe New Jersey governor Jon Corzine's near-fatal car crash yesterday, which took place when an "apparently out-of-control driver" swerved into the police vehicle carrying Corzine should be investigated as a hate crime.  Against Corzine's gay car.

Isn't it hard enough being a gay police car?  I wouldn't know, but I imagine it is.  Maybe former Gov. McGreevey would know.

 

I wish Gov. Corzine a speedy recovery-- he's broken his left leg, sternum, collarbone, six ribs on each side and a lower vertebra.  That's 16 bones!  I don't think I even have that many bones!

I'm not a doctor, but I'm convinced the best therapy for Corzine is to just lace his skeleton with adamantium.

That'll be cool for when he's healed up and fights The Governator on top of the White House.

The Onion on Memailed

Check out this great piece from The Onion on the NYT's Memailed list.

Plural of Ho

NYT reports on radio host Don Imus's breast-beating over his inappropriate remarks about the Rutgers women's basketball team:

Mr. Imus last week described Rutgers University's women's basketball team as "nappy-headed ho's," and then days later said everyone needed to relax and should not be offended by "some idiot comment meant to be amusing."

 

First, Imus should be fired.  So says this blog.  This blog, which is an authoritative source on journalistic ethics.  Which represents the moral judgment of the community.  Which the powerful read and quake (if they're bad).  Which the oppressed read it and wonder if I'm calling them SHPOSes.

 

Second, should there be an apostrophe used when creating a plural of the word "ho"?  Is it "ho's" and not "hos"?

I need to know.

Black Belt

My old Brazilian Jujitusu (BJJ) instructor-- featured in this post twisting some poor guy into a pretzel at a tournament-- just received his black belt from Renzo Gracie last night.

I didn't know he'd been promoted when I went to train this morning, but I should have known when I saw he had "the glow."

 

The Stare

NYT reports that NYC is using "three aggressive border collies" to scare Canada geese away from eating and pooping on the Kentucky bluegrass in the Sheep Meadow and Great Lawn in Central Park.
Geese, it seems, don't sweat the small stuff and can learn to ignore what's not really gonna eat them (arm-waving humans, most dogs).
But specially-trained border collies "are able to frighten geese via 'the stare,' a particular look and stance that leads geese to conclude that the dogs are predators."
(collie doing "the stare" pictured above)

"I say," one goose says to another, "do you see the look that collie is giving us?"
"I do indeed," says the other goose, biting on the stem of an unlit pipe, "but whatever shall I conclude from it?"
"Well, we must eliminate the impossible, and whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth."
"No! Then you're saying that..."
"Yes! I conclude that dog is a predator. Let us remove."
And they poop elsewhere.

Now NYC just needs to hire collies to do a "particular look" that leads people to conclude that they'll be torn limb from bloody limb if they are rude on the subway.

Slow News Day?

Clearly there's not enough people dying in real conflicts; the New York Times is reporting on the death of comic-book character Captain America.  I think the story is that he was killed by a crazy astronaut woman who was in love with him.

 

Sniff... only the super die young...

 

Omo Plata!

Click here to see a clip of my old Brazilian Jiu Jitsu instructor's 2/17/07 match at "Grapplerquest." 

(He's the one who wins in a few seconds with an omo plata)

Go Jason!

Internet to Litvak: I Miss You

Sorry about the posting hiatus, loyal reader(s?).  I was turned off of the Internet after that "belly punching" thing.  Yecch.

But thanks to Girls are Pretty posts like this one, I'll bravely live to click again.

Regarding Last Post

I have never been so sorry I Googled something, ever.
NSFW (Not safe for work).
Bad The Internet! Bad!

Belly Punching?

So, the search engine elves in Google's servers have started sending more people to links of my descriptions of Brazilian Ju Jitsu techniques .

 

Which is kinda neat.  Except that I've seen more than one who got to the "Knee on Belly" position by searching for "belly punching."

 

I mean, granted, these searches are from places where English isn't the predominant language, but, yechh, what are they looking for?

If it isn't something wholesome like a instructions of how to immobilize someone by putting all you weight on his solar plexus with your knee, they're going to be very disappointed. 

 

Seriously, if you know what "belly punching" searchers are looking for and it's not going to further erode my respect for the Internet, let me know.

Imagine There's No Intellectual Property / It's Easy if You Try

WARNING:  Law-related post

 

So Steve Jobs('s lawyers?) wrote an aw-shucks-folks open letter basically responding to legal attack in Europe that claims Apple's Digital Rights Management (DRM) software locks competitors out of its iTunes service.

 

He says the status quo is great (Apple's DRM won't play with others). 

 

He rules out licensing Apple's DRM software (what the lawsuits presumably seek to compel) because then the secrets of the software would come out and it wouldn't work as copy protection anymore as employees of companies less noble and trustworthy than employees of Apple help crack the software.

 

Or, Jobs says, we could get rid of DRM altogether, and all music would be unprotected, and he says that'd be fine, too.  Fine with him, he means, but he knows the music companies would rather have someone pay for their music.

 

This is the CEO equivalent of a kid who's told to share his Halloween candy with his younger sibling and responds that he earned that scarce candy and splitting up candy is difficult and reduces incentives to gather candy and besides, the real problem is:  Candy isn't free.  His little brother could have as much candy as he wanted if only society didn't insist that we place legal protections on it.  Share the sweetness, man.

 

The interesting question in my mind is whether Apple's agreements with the music publishers would even allow Apple to license the DRM software to manufacturers of other music players.  Not that my vast knowledge of European antitrust law tells me whether that would matter legally.  But it might matter that a decision against Apple could mean it loses the right to distribute all the music governed by agreements with the music publishers...

The Best Laid Plans of Mice and Astronauts

Astronaut's Stalker Kidnap Kit:

• Car
• "Adult diapers" (so you won't have to stop in public and use a restroom)
• Disguise:  trenchoat, dark wig, sunglasses (everyone knows you-- you're a famous astronaut!)
• $600 in cash (don't create a paper trail by buying gas with a credit card)
• BB Gun ("Get outta the car or I'll shoot you with this real gun!)
• Pepper Spray ("Take that, rival for other astronaut's affections!")
• Rubber gloves (don't leave fingerprints)
• Rubber tubing ("Hold still a minute...")
• Love letters ("'Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?'  You stole from the Bard!")
• Steel mallet (You don't want to know)
• 4-inch folding knife (ditto)

Gluttony in the BK!

The Amateur Gourmet (a friend of Tenderfoot) reviews some Park Slope restaurants .

His review of Franny's is spot-on.  My shorter review:  That is some damn fine pizza.

I'll have to eat my way through the other places in the 'hood.  Though, technically, I live in Prospect Heights, on the other side of Flatbush.

NYT Goes all "Forrest Gump" About Horses

The NYT Editorial page is determined to lionize horses with this dimwitted piece about Barbaro, the racehorse who was just put down.

The piece asks "Why should we feel so much grief at the loss of one horse?"
I hadn't felt so much grief, so I wanted to know.
The way I saw it, plenty of noble cattle were slaughtered for t-bones today and I wasn't sad. For that matter, dozens of Iraqi people were blown up at the bazaar this week and I went to work anyway. What's so special about Barbaro that I'm supposed to be wearing sackcloth and ashes?

The Times explains the answer, which is something about how Barbaro was a very athletic horse. And, of course, "It was tragic because of what every horse is."

And what is every horse?

You would have to look a long, long time to find a dishonest or cruel horse. And the odds are that if you did find one, it was made cruel or dishonest by the company it kept with humans. It is no exaggeration to say that nearly every horse — Barbaro included — is pure of heart.

Oh, good thing you qualified that with nearly every horse. I mean, you wouldn't want people thinking the NYT was defending Hitler's horse, or the Four Horses of the Apocalypse (steeds to the Horsemen).

And the statistics about dishonest horses' bad human influences ("odds are") are an indispensable disclaimer for people who are considering entering into business dealings with horses. You wouldn't want to be swindled by that one sneaky horse who's been around people. Make sure that if you're lending money to a horse he hasn't picked up any filthy human vices.

Other than that, I think the NYT has convinced me that every day, in every way, I will strive to become more and more like a horse.

Lithuanian Visitor to Litvak Chronicles

Today at around 5:00 am the blog got what I believe is my first Lithuanian visitor!  Or, at least, my first visitor with a URL in Lithuania:

 

Domain Name		takas.lt ? (Lithuania)
IP Address		82.135.243.# (Joint Stock Company Lietuvos Telekomas)
ISP		Lietuvos Telekomas
Location		Continent  :  Europe Country  :  Lithuania   (Facts) State/Region  :  Vilniaus Apskritis City  :  Vilnius Lat/Long  :  54.6833, 25.3167 (Map) Distance  :  4,319 miles
Language		Lithuanian

 

I guess he was searching for Litvaks and this blog is the 7th listing for "Litvak" on Google Lithuania .

I'm famous!

 

Testimony for Sale!

If you want to confirm that some plaintiffs' lawyers are slimy, check out this piece about the fee dispute between law firm Thelen Reid and guy from France Francois Marland.

 

The case involved a whistleblower suit on Marland's behalf against a consortium of French banks who'd used a shell company to secretly buy an insolvent California insurance company in violation of California law restricting foreign ownership of insurance companies.

Deep breath. 

Yawn--  I mean... the plot thickens.

 

When the California Department of Insurance brought a suit, too, Thelen got Marland's permission to represent it as well. 

(Legal Ethics Rule #1:  You can represent clients with potentially conflicting interests unless they waive the conflict -- and sometimes not even then.  Actually, this is the only ethical rule most big firm lawyers deal with frequently.)

 

Under the fee-sharing agreement, Thelen Reid provided legal services and Marland and some lawyers he put together would secure documents and testimony ... especially Marland's testimony. 

 

The article notes that "[t]he fee-sharing agreement in the dispute has raised the hackles of legal ethicists, who say some provisions skate dangerously close to buying Marland's testimony."  Actually, it looks like they fell through the ice.

 

And stop snickering at the phrase "legal ethicists."

 

In the 1999 version of their agreement, "Marland and a group of lawyers he'd assembled would receive 52.5 percent of Thelen's take (65 percent if the case settled quickly). The large cut would be in exchange for securing documents and testimony, among other services. A later amendment would reduce Marland's cut by two-thirds if he failed to testify at all, and by half if he testified only before the grand jury but not during the civil trial."

 

If that's "not buying testimony" then Murder, Inc. was "not hiring contract killers."

 

The article makes a big deal out of the fact that Marland wasn't a lawyer at the time of the first fee-sharing agreement (it's okay to fee-share only with a lawyer).  But even if he'd been a lawyer, that doesn't mean you can pay for his testimony. 

 

Hey, maybe that could be Litvak's Rule of Legal Ethics, if it were a rule of legal ethics.  Actually, it's just law that applies to everyone.  You can't sell testimony.  Even if you're a lawyer!

Go figure.

Lore: Funny :: Google : Information

I mean it.  Check out this piece.

I'm ashamed to say I got the Shadowrun reference at the very end.

China: Orphans Need Svelte Parents

The NYT has an article about China's restrictive adoption policies.

According to the article, among other restrictions, "the new regulations call for a body mass index of less than 40."

 

So, if you're trying to decide whether you want fries with that, think about whether you also want to adopt a Chinese baby.  FYI.

Missile, Schmissile

China developed a "satellite killer" missile and yesterday used it to destroy one of its own satellites. The New York Times reports that this action challenges the United States's supremacy in SPACE.

Pentagon officials now plan to use our own missiles to shoot down all of our satellites.

(I'll be here all week! Take my wife, please!)

For Every Thing There Is a Season

It's too much SHPOSiness for one day.  Delicate readers may want to skip the rest of the post...

 

This afternoon I stepped into a bathroom stall at work and whoever used it last didn't flush.

Yes, but "grosser than gross"-- no toilet paper in the bowl.

No toilet paper! In! The bowl!

And I don't think he took it with him, either.

I'm going to stop shaking hands.

 

With these people, the time for "this is how big people do it" is way past.  And the time for methodical harpooning is long overdue.

SHPOSes Ascendant

This past weekend, Tenderfoot's bike was stolen off the bike rack across the street from the police station.

 

This morning, I came outside and someone had stripped the front wheel off my bike.  I don't think anyone else on the block has had a bike touched, but we've each had our seats stolen, and now this.

 

Then, I step onto the B train and into-- a pile of (what I really hope was) dogshit.

Dogshit.  In the train.

 

I take back the nice things I said about New York.

$250m for 5 years

The Los Angeles Galaxy soccer team just signed a 5-year, $250 million contract with David Beckham.

I hear they offered him a cool billion, but he refused their condition (leaving Posh in Europe).

 

 

Some SHPOSes, but some Mensches, too

I know I complain about our SHPOSes a lot, but New York had lots of decent, admirable people.

When a man had a seizure and fell onto the subway tracks, Wesley Autrey jumped down and saved him , lying with the man between the rails as the No. 1 train screeched to a halt over their heads.

PIMPING

This YouTube link to a weird animated German music video's kinda interesting...

(Hat Tip: Lore)

Five THOUSAND Visits

If you check out the "visitor counter" at the bottom of this blog, you may notice that I've just passed the 5,000 visit mark.
Five thousand hits in about two years. Really, it's a testament to you, my throngs of readers.

For those of you who have a difficult time wrapping your mind around a number as large as 5,000, let me make it a little easier.

First, divide by two, because half those hits are probably from me visiting to marvel at my own cleverness.

Then remove another 500 for people who clicked through from Google image search looking for the picture of a goat and another picture of Parker Posey.

Now it's down to a slightly less mind-boggling 2,000 visits (thank you, Google spreadsheets!)

In Biblical times, when people lived to be several hundred years old, many of the most compulsive and brilliant thinkers would spend their entire adult lives counting to see if numbers like 2,000 existed or were merely theoretical. Historical sources tell us many of them went mad, but whether it was due to the endless counting or the consciousness-altering secrets contained in such numbers was never recorded.
Then people died off at around 35 for a few thousand years, and until the invention of computers "one thousand" was still just a story told to scare naughty children.

Now we know that even larger numbers exist-- numbers like a million, and that great worm of naughts and commas, the billion. The consensus among scientists is that there are about a billion things in the universe, give or take 1,000.

And 5,000, give or take 1,000, is how many visits there have been to my blog.
Excelsior!

Hang In There!

So the FDA is having a hearing about whether antidepressant labels should mention the risk of increased suicidal thinking.

 

Well, that's an interesting thought-- you're seriously depressed and your pill bottle says:

"Hey, man.  You ever think about just ending it all?  Eat me, and that could happen.  Happen more, that is.  Life is hard.  So hard."

 

I think a better label would say something like:
"Hey, man!  No pill is perfect, but this pill can help some!  Hang in there, things will turn around.  Come on-- would it kill you to at least finish the prescription?"

I Regret That He Has But One Life to Give for His Country

So, Ahmadinejad?

I hear you're hosting a conference in Tehran to debate whether the Holocaust really happened. 

You pretend millions of Jews weren't murdered and you state that the purpose of your nuclear weapons program is to kill another few million, which is okay because that hasn't really happened before.

All kinds of crackpot anti-Semites are scurrying to bathe in your glow-- David Duke, Robert Faurisson and various other "Holocaust deniers, discredited scholars and white supremacists from around the world." 

I hear even Red Skull is giving a talk.

Dammit, Mahmoud, you're making it awfully tempting to drop bombs on Tehran.  I wish we were too smart to fall for it ... but less every day.

Ancient Computer Rocks the Classical World

This NYT piece describes new research on the Antikythera Mechanism, built in the 2nd century B.C. to predict the movement of the moon.
2100 years later, and we're finally almost as cool as the Greeks were then.

Separated at Birth-- And Mama Only Loved One

They just have the same beguiling ne'er-do-well thing going on, is all.

And Who Will Police The Police?

So, uh.  Iraq is in the news again.

 

Gunmen dressed in Iraqi police uniforms and driving what appeared to be official vehicles rounded up scores of people inside a government building here today and drove off with them.

***

A spokesman for the Ministry of the Interior, which oversees the police, announced on state television several hours afterward that orders had been issued for the arrest of several police commanders who were responsible for the area where the kidnappings took place.

The kidnapping prompted an anguished address on the floor of Parliament, carried live on television, by Abed Thiab al-Ajili, the higher education minister and a member of the country's largest Sunni political bloc.

Mr. Ajili reported that 100 to 150 people had been taken, including employees and visitors to the building. He said he had repeatedly asked the government for additional security to protect his ministry and members of the university community, who have been under threat since collapse of the Saddam Hussein regime.

 

Arrest warrants have been issued for police commanders in connection with a 150-person kidnapping.

Iraq is seeking any police who are willing to try to serve the warrants, or anyone who will dress as police...

It don't take a brain surgeon to piece this one together

NY Times: "Neanderthals in Gene Pool, Study Suggests"

 

I thought they might be referring to my study of the sidewalks of New York.

 

Turns out the study has something to do with the distribution of a variant of a gene that regulates brain size.  Homo Sapiens - Neanderthal loving about 37,000 years ago, they say. 

 

Some days, I wish I could believe in Genesis.

Dowd Sizzles, Dubya Fizzles (Memailed)

Ouch! (Times Select, sorry, folks)

 

From Dowd's memailed column:

 

Poppy Bush and James Baker gave Sonny the presidency to play with and he broke it. So now they're taking it back. 

****

Two trusted members of the Bush 41 war council, Mr. Baker and Robert Gates, have been dispatched to discipline the delinquent juvenile and extricate him from the mother of all messes.

 

 

 

Teapot D'oh!

Q:  What's the difference between President Grant and President Bush?

A:  Grant ended a civil war.

Won't You Be My Neighbor?

Tenderfoot and I have talked about her moving out to Brooklyn-- my neighborhood is a lot less expensive and very livable (although she does live 2 blocks from work, which is a blessing of a sort).  I live in a nice one bedroom "floor-through" in a 3-story townhouse, convenient to good subways (the B, Q and 2/3) and close to Prospect Park.  I love the park and have been biking around it lately.  Plus, my mishpachah lives about 1/2 mile away.

 

I pay less than 2/3 of what TF is paying for her studio in a luxury building in Hell's Kitchen.  TF is the one who found my present apartment, sweet-talking the landlord into giving it to me instead of the hordes of other interested apartment-seekers.  He loves her and is always asking after her.  I think the rent I'm paying is probably below market because that the neighborhood has gotten safer and schamncier.  Occasional SHPOS harpoonings aside, however, I am an excellent tenant and add panache to any stoop.

 

A couple of weeks ago, I paid off a big chunk of my law school loans and was telling TF about it.  She said that she oughta move to Brooklyn.  Thing is, TF's family wouldn't like us living together.  They wouldn't like us dating either, but that's a whole other blog post.

 

So I asked her where she wanted to live in Brooklyn-- which neighborhoods, near which trains, etc.  TF said she wanted to be close to me-- one commute (to work) is enough -- near the same trains, safe, etc.  I set up this Craigslist search and said I'd check out some listings because I know the area.

 

Then TF says the best solution would be if she could move into the apartment on the third floor of my building.  Now, this is a very silly thing to say because (1) look alive, come on, renting two apartments in a 3-unit building? and (2) someone lives there.  No matter, we discuss this for twenty minutes.  The pros (maintain illusion for TF's family, proximity to Chez Litvak, cost) and cons (ridicule by friends, lack of near-work apartment, basically paying two rents for a big apartment with two kitchens, more ridicule).  I was on the "con" side, but mostly 'cause I thought it'd be silly.

 

I mention another con-- what if we broke up?

TF said she'd pour water on her floor to flood me, play loud music, etc.  I volunteered that I'd fill my landing with Rottweiller puppies (TF is terrified of dogs).  With all the contingencies addressed, we started talking about something else.  Probably how I knew Dr. Gray from Gray's Anatomy wasn't going to end up with Dr. McDreamy anytime soon. (Reason?  Then there's no plot left in the show.  Instead of whatver plot you get from intoning "Ally McBeal does surgery" over and over.)

 

Less than a week later, I'm browsing the Internet and check Craigslist.  In the list I see a 1BR with... my address.  For a moment, I think my landlord is renting my apartment!  Of course, it's the apartment above me.  The woman who lives there (it turned out) had just decided to move in with her boyfriend and posted the listing that morning.  I e-mailed TF, who called me back, excited, and I got excited, and TF called the woman who lives upstairs and my landlord... pre-empted another crowd of apartment hunters and is moving in on November 1st!

 

We're not sure if it's Destiny or silly coincidence or temptation from the Devil.  But I think it's pretty cool, if totally ridiculous.  Wish me luck with my new neighbor!

Movie Review: The Departed

The Depahted.

Matt Damon plays a "Southie" mole in the Massachusetts State Police (the "Staties"); DiCaprio plays a Southie Statie deep undercover among Southie gangsters run by Jack Nicholson.  Not a character played by Jack Nicholson, as far as I could tell, but by Jack himself.

High Concept?  Think "Good Will Hunting" meets "Reservoir Dogs."  But with even more blood.  And the characters all drop their "r"s.

 

The best thing in the movie is Mark Wahlberg playing a character who is supposed to be a cop or something, but whose job appears to be to drive every other character into a frothing rage with inappropriate insults taken to extremes.

Example:

DiCaprio:  Thanks fah meeting me, Sa(r)ge..  I'm sca(r)ed Jack Nicholson is gonna kill me, pa(r)k my ca(r).

Wahlberg:  #&(%! your mother.  I'm going to let them gut you and then I'll #&$! your dead %$^*!.

DiCaprio:  What's you(r) problem?  I wo(r)k fo(r) you.  I need your help.

Wahlberg:  Are you listening to me, #&$!*?  I'm too tired to help you after all the $(*%!@ your sister %$*#! $^^(#!$ on %^(!@ and $^*&!)#.  Oh, and ^$^&)(*&@!.

DiCaprio: ?

 

Not a bad movie.

No Time For Losers Cause We Are The Champions

Thanks to Jack Roy for this link about an insane lying Yale undergrad and his bizarre self-promotion, cons, and especially, his autobiographical video of how AWESOME he is. Read it, watch it.
Of course his name makes it pretty likely he's a member of the tribe-- and me without the power to cast him out.

That's a Hot Falafel

So, I wanted to make sure the best Lebanese place in New York -- Carroll Gardens' own Zaytoons-- is open for dinner tonight, and when I tried to open their webpage, I got this!:







Silly the Internet.
I'll have to check out that hot falafel-on-pita action at home.

First you get the money. Then you . . . give back the money.

Miguel and Gilberto Rodríguez Orejuela, the brothers who ran the Cali drug cartel in Colombia, pled guilty and were sentenced to 30 years in a federal court in Miami.

They agreed to pay $2.1 billion in forfeiture.

The Miami US Attorney's office is definitely getting a better coffee machine.

Then again, there's these guys.

Ordinarily, I feel envious of other countries' leaders.  They just seem to be more impressive than ours.  The greatest sign of the power of the U.S. is that it can survive so many mediocre presidencies. 

But other countries need sharp, competent leaders.  And often have them, too.

Even the tyrannical ones are generally bright and well-informed-- Uncle Mushu is a badass, and so is Putin.

 

Then again, there's these guys...

"Guess which hand is hiding the uranium?  Go ahead, guess!"

Even Educated Fleas Do It

From the 9/27/06 Goats:
Some days the world makes more sense to me when I start from the axiom that we're all really puppets on the hands of a petulant intelligent broccoli god.

Thirty Thousand Feet Under the Sea

NYT reports that Chevron, Devon Energy and Statoil ASA have discovered an oil deposit in the Gulf of Mexico that boosts the U.S. petroleum reserve by about 50 percent.

Thirty thousand feet under the sea.

I just want everyone to know that that's really really deep.  It would take me a long time just to fall that far.

Litvak's Law #1

The world is composed of two kinds of people:  Those who cannot do the simplest things right, and those who can only do the simplest things right.

I'll Demote an Axe in Yer Gangly Shanks!

So, tha New York Times says tha International Astronomical Union has "demoted" Pluto to tha status of "dwarf planet."

Demoted, eh?
Well, we Dwarves will nae take this sitting down!
An', nae, I am not sitting down! I'm just short! A short Dwarf! Aye!
An' we don't need a Dwarf Planet. We have Earth, ye smooth-faced, uh, lanky type!

I guess that's all I hae ta say. Apologies to J.R.R. Tolkien, an' to Scotland fer borrowin' yer dialect.

Baruk Khazad! Khazad aimenu!

Amen.

Uncle Mushu's New Book!

Uncle Mushu (Pakistan's President General Pervez Musharraf) has an autobiography (In The Line of Fire:  A Memoir) coming out soon, reports the BBC.

 

The byline (By Zaffar Abbas BBC News, Islamabad) explains some of the gem quotes:

 

If projections being made by some sections of the publishing world are to be believed, the book has all the ingredients of a big hit, and possibly even a best-seller.

Uncle Mushu will be bigger than DaVinci Code!  I'm sure they'll cast Sanjay Dutt as Mushu, but who'll play A.Q. Khan?

 

Since [supporting the U.S.-led invastion of Afghanistan], he has been perceived by many in West as one of the most liberal and enlightened faces of the Muslim world.

...who ever controlled the Pakistani press with an iron fist?

 

Soldier he definitely is, but is Gen Musharraf also a writer?

Definitely, yaar.  Definitely a solider.

Sit Back and Build Up Armies!

"Jack Roy" at the Litotical Construct is all worked up that the GOP wants to goad us into attacking Iran , figuring that that's totally batsh*t insane.

But he hasn't considered the basic military strategy I learned from the game of Risk: "One of the easiest ways to gain armies is to hold continents. If you hold an entire continent for an entire turn, you receive a number of extra armies, which is dependent upon the continent."

So if we hold (not control, mind you-- that's hard) Afghanistan, Iraq and Iran at once, we'll generate, like billions of dollars worth of armies for free! It's like printing money!

Lebanon Link

I know everyone who visits my blog also slavishly visits my links, but just in case... if you're interested in what's going on in Lebanon, I've had a link to this guy for a long time, and he's great. 

 

Einstein, This Man Isn't

Check it out.

What an idiot.

Link courtesy of Paul Phillips.

Bigotry's Cool in Atlanta - former Mayor, U.N. Rep

Wal-Mart has "accepted the resignation" of Andrew Young, former mayor of Atlanta and a former United States representative to the U.N., from his position as chairman of Working Families for Wal-Mart.

This, after Young told an African-American newspaper that Wal-Mart was preferable to mom-and-pop stores.

"You see those are the people who have been overcharging us," he said of the owners of the small stores, "and they sold out and moved to Florida. I think they've ripped off our communities enough. First it was Jews, then it was Koreans and now it's Arabs."

Huh.  Don't worry-- he sort of took it back:

"It never should have been said. I was speaking in the context of Atlanta, and that does not work in New York or Los Angeles."

Really?  But that works in Atlanta?

To paraphrase a Woody Allen movie, if MLK were alive today, he would never stop throwing up.

Don't Tread on Me

Empirical research has been harnessed to prove what no one ever doubted:  we feel our own pain more acutely than the pain we inflict.

 

Or, as the old saying goes, "Tragedy is when I stub my toe.  Comedy is when you fall down a manhole and die."

Breakin' Up Is Hard to Do

As I've said here and here about Iraq:

Split the country up already. Let the Baathists keep Baghdad, give the oil to the Shia and Kurds, keep around 30,000 troops in the Kurdish part to prevent civil war and discourage them from pissing off Turkey.

Now former U.S. Ambassador Peter W. Galbraith is saying the same thing:

As an alternative to using Shiite and American troops to fight the insurgency in Iraq's Sunni center, the administration should encourage the formation of several provinces into a Sunni Arab region with its own army, as allowed by Iraq's Constitution. . . . . This would be best accomplished by placing a small "over the horizon" force in Kurdistan.

Yes! Yes!!

Goats

My new webcomic love is Jonathan's Rosenberg's Goats.

Paleobiologists to NFL: Watch out, Sapiens

From Nicholas Wade's NYT piece today on trying to reconstruct the Neanderthal genome:

If the Neanderthal genome were fully recovered, it might in principle be possible to bring the species back from extinction by inserting the Neanderthal genome into a human egg and having volunteers bear Neanderthal infants. There would, however, be great technical and ethical barriers to any such venture.

 

Translation:  This is awfully cool, and, if possible, will happen.

NYT Gets the Scoop!

NYT is the first to report... that...

...someone in their mail room found a suspicious package .

 

Envelope, NYT editorial (with a red "X" across it), and unknown powdery substance.

 

It'd really've stung if the Post had got the story before them.

The Park Is Mine

This blog isn't my diary, so don't expect I'm going to fill it with important personal things.

Maybe good news, but if I have some kind of major tragic event, it's not going to be on the damn blog so the Internet can comfort me.

Just a disclaimer before I mention something bad.

So.

 

On the afternoon of the 4th of July, my Dad was walking home with some shish kebab skewers for the grill.  He was on the block where my family lives in Park Slope, Brooklyn, a block from Prospect Park.  Two teenage guys tackled him from behind, then stood over him and demanded his cash (but not his wallet).

Dad, who is quite sensible, gave the SHPOSes his cash-- which was a significant amount of money-- and the two ran off (in opposite directions, I think).

Two people were nearby, and quickly approached my Dad to find out what had happened.

A police car was driving up the street at the same time, and chased after one of the muggers-- and the NYPD (78th precinct, maybe?)caught the guy in no time a few blocks away.

The other guy ran the opposite direction--into the park--with the cash.  Of course, on the 4th of July, the park is full of families having barbecues.

I really, really hope these guys didn't step away from a family barbecue to knock over my Dad.

Some of New York's Finest went into the park and asked if anyone had seen a teenager wearing whatever mugger #2 was wearing (a white or black do-rag, I think, and some other distinctive clothing) running through.  People pointed the guy out, and, one-two, the whole dipsh*t crew's locked up.  Mugger #2 (or maybe both muggers?) confessed immediately, and said he'd thrown the cash into the bushes when he ran.

 

I was in Manhattan with Tenderfoot at some friends' apartment when Dad called me after leaving the precinct house.  He was quite calm.

 

I'm still upset.  For the past month or two, teenage guys have been mugging people in Prospect Park.

My parents live half a block from the park.

These guys could have seriously hurt my Dad (he seems to have no serious injuries).  They could have attacked my Mom or my sisters.

NYPD, don't make me pull some "The Park is Mine" / "First Blood" action.  Okay, don't make me fantasize about it.

Cruising RMPs along the main road through the Park won't catch muggers.  Don't let the park-- which is one of the nicest spots in Brooklyn-- turn into some Pirates' Cove.

Do a damn sting.  Call in "21 Jump Street," I don't care.

 

Vigilantes like The Whaler and BROKK!!! are funny ideas.  My Dad buying a gun is not.

I Spent 16 Months In A Secret CIA Prison And All I Got Were These Lousy White Shotes

So... the NYT reports on the story of Laid Saidi, an Algerian who worked for an Islamic charity in Tanzania and was "renditioned" by the CIA, imprisoned and tortured for 16 months, then released.  Here's the tragi-comic part:

In prison, Mr. Saidi said, he was interrogated daily, sometimes twice a day, for weeks. Eventually, he said, his interrogators produced an audiotape of the conversation in which he had allegedly talked about planes.

But Mr. Saidi said he was talking about tires, not planes, that his brother-in-law planned to sell from Kenya to Tanzania. He said he was mixing English and Arabic and used the word "tirat," making "tire" plural by adding an Arabic "at" sound. Whoever was monitoring the conversation apparently understood the word as "tayarat," Arabic for planes, Mr. Saidi said.

"When I heard it, I asked the Moroccan translator if he understood what we were saying in the recording," Mr. Saidi said. After the Moroccan explained it to the interrogators, Mr. Saidi said, he was never asked about it again.

Oops!

Reminds me of that old joke--

Man at door:  I am ze Viper.

Person inside:  Who?!

Man at door:  I am ze Viper!

Person inside:  WHO?!

Man at door:  I am ze VIPER!!  I come to vipe ze vindows!

All The Lonely People

This NYT article (yes, it's memailed, or it's at number 7, anyway) describes a recent study by some sociologists that shows most adults have few or no friends-- fewer than they did in the past.

Well, that's depressing. Especially when I think about how long it's been since I've hung out with a lot of my friends.

I have a pretty active social life... considering the schedule of a law firm associate.  But reading this article reminds me that spending time with family and friends is a more important than another hour of poring over other peoples' e-mails and spreadsheets...

On that note... I'm out of here!

Y Unearthed

So, Tenderfoot found volumes 1 and 2 of Y: The Last Man.

Now I can lend them to friends and leave them hoplessly addicted.

Poker Strikes Again

Maine gets the Hold 'Em bug.

You Say Tomato / I Say Harpoono

Deborah Tannen (author of something about moms and daughters) has a great (MEMAILED!) piece in the NYT comparing the reactions of women in Greece and New York to public molestations by men.

According to Tannen, Greek women are much more likely than Americans to smack, slap, kick, punch, curse, or stone their molesters.

My mom told me about a friend of hers who used to ride the subways with a long hatpin in her purse, and would stab it into the thigh of men who groped her.

Excellent, excellent.

It ain't a harpooning, but it's a step in the right direction.

Transfer Here for B, D, Q, Harpooning

NYT has a great article about perverts who expose themselves to or grope women on the NYC subways.

 

Not exactly news... every woman I know has seen this kind of thing.  And I've seen a man take down his pants and dance, singing at the top of his lungs, on a crowded train on a Friday night.  That was actually funny, though.

 

But remember my post from last year about me shooing a greasy pedophile away from a little girl on the subway?  Not funny.

 

These guys don't need help, or jail, so much as they need a good harpoonin'.  Nothing drives a point home like the swish-thunk-twang of a harpoon in the torso, maybe followed by a stern lecture on respecting others.  Where are you, The Whaler?

Say It Ain't So, Joe

Warning: Geek Rating - 9.6

I do enjoy OOTS. OOTS-- Order of the Stick?
Hello? You have been checking out my links, right?
(they're on the right)

Well, OOTS is this geeky web comic strip by Rich Burlew about Dungeons & Dragons characters who know they are D&D characters and make comments about the game's rules, the conventions and clichés of the game, &c. Very dorky.
For every D&D joke I get, I receive one demerit. I've promised myself I'll offset those points somehow:

• One (1) merit: Throw one game-winning touchdown.
• One (1) merit: Give a swirlie to a talented math student.
• One (1) merit: Crash my car into the home of the administrator of an educational institution after a romantic liaison with the homecoming queen (1.5 merits if she is the administrator's daughter).

So far I'm in the hole a little. I may start awarding merits for slightly less cool achievements, like inadvertently inciting spontaneous dance crazes when I try to scratch my back / imitate traditional African dance, or when I inspire famous popular musicians in their early careers by introducing contemporary rock / hip-hop elements at school parties to which I have arrived via time travel.

Uh, back to the topic.

Then there's the Book of Ratings by Lore Sjöberg. He makes (made, alas) lists of things in categories ( e.g., "D&D Monsters"), describes (okay, I'm in denial . . . made) them with comic derision and assigns (can't ... employ ... proper tense) letter grades. Genius. Also quite dorky. But it is actually much funnier than OOTS, even if it lacks OOTS's winning combination of a psychopathic hobbit and hit dice jokes.

And so I was quite conflicted when I revisited a favorite BOR entry and recognized a recent OOTS joke -- lifted from a BOR entry.
Burlew must have just forgotten where he saw the owlbear joke first-- it's not that original, I guess plenty of people have thunk it (though BOR's "Umber Hulk" description will live forever for its quote-- "OW MY HIT POINTS!"...).

BOR:
Watch out for the hawklion! Beware the vulturetiger! Don't worry too much about the sparrowspaniel.

OOTS:
The dreaded bunnywolf? The ferocious penguinlion? Perhaps the terrible ducksnake?

BOR owlbear / OOTS owlbear:

Say it ain't so, Joe.

Antigravity Acrobats

here...via the genius who brought us the Book of Ratings (and other fun things).

Stupid Server Tricks

A server somewhere on the Internet will listen while I tap the spacebar to the rhythm of a song and guess the song.

It's not bad, either.

Y: The Last Man

If you like comic books, or even if you don't, you should read Y: The Last Man.

Written by Brian K. Vaughan (who also wrote Ex Machina, which I brought with me to Malaysia) and pencilled by Pia Guerra, the premise is that a catastrophic something instantly kills every male mammal (or sperm, or fetus) on Earth except for an amateur twenty-something escape artist named Yorick and his pet monkey, Ampersand.

I've recently read all seven graphic novel compilations, and Tenderfoot is now also completely hooked.  Someone in her office knows Vaughan and lent her the most recent comic (they come out frequently as individual comics and are then compiled into graphic novel format) and she's taunting me with it...

The story is compelling and funny.  Yorick is goofy and likable.

Check it out!

Investment Opportunities in New Beachfront Property!

This dynamic map of what'll be underwater if sea levels rise due to global warming is pretty depressing.

And awesome, in the less contemporary sense of "inspiring awe at holy **** that's a lot of water."

Joys of Firm Life # 1: Mr. and Mrs. Bear-Shark

One of the joys of legal reasearch comes up when a partner and several associates are sitting around after a conference call discussing the client's legal issues, when a novel-ish legal issue like this arises...

 

Partner:  I don't think they can, but can a bear and a shark be legally wed?

Of Counsel:  No.

Senior Associate:  That sounds unlikely.

Mid-Level Associate: ...

Junior Associate: [starts to stack up papers]

Of Counsel:  Junior Associate, why don't you find some cases on point?

Junior Associate:  Yes, sir.  What jurisdiction?

Partner:  Well, our client's bear lives in Utah, so look under Utah state law.

 

So, Junior Associate goes to find cases from a landlocked state in which a court addresses the legality of bear-shark matrimony. 

If he's lucky, he'll find a decision from 1833 in which a bear is acquitted of bigamy because his supposed second marriage to a shark was declared void ab initio or some such narishkeit. 

 

More likely, he'll find a case in which a court decides a custody dispute between a bear and an Atlantic salmon without addressing their marriage.

Junior Associate:  I believe we can infer that bear-fish marriage is allowed under Utah law.

Of Counsel:  But a salmon is a bony fish, and sharks are cartilagenous fishes.  Isn't there anything directly on point?

Partner:  My ex-wife is a salmon.

 

Then he hits the treatise.  Last updated 1981.

Treatise:  The traditional view on carnivore-fish marriage was expressed in the principle, "A bear and a shark may marry, but where shall they build their nest?"  Supervening developments have cast this early view into doubt.  Woe be unto the lawyer who wades into the fell littorals where shark and bear do court.  Addressing the issue in dictum, Judge Brow quipped, "In what states do a bear and shark marry?  Anywhere they should wish!"

 

When Junior Associate reports his findings to the team they will (much like you, now) not be entertained.

Deep Thoughts

I haven't taken or defended any depositions yet here at the firm.  I'm mostly working on internal investigations and the like. 

Today a woman called me for the nth time and explained that she's at a deposition services firm and, can she send me some updated materials?

She always uses the same phrase:  "Are you using anyone special?"

Wow, it really shook me to my roots.  I am alone in the vast and empty universe, deposition services-wise.  Adrift. Lost.

So I said she could mail me stuff.

Deposition Services Company, you complete me.

Lawrence Laughs

Okay, I'm three years late with this post.

But LitCon has a nice critique of a very silly article on Lawrence v. Texas-- the 2003 Supreme Court case that held you can't keep two men from engaging in "certain intimate sexual conduct" between consenting adults, viz., "contact between any part of the genitals of one person and the mouth or anus of another person."

 

Ah, Lawrence.  Justice Kennedy's opinion was clearly written to crack [don't even say it!] up adolescents:

Liberty protects the person from unwarranted government intrusions into a dwelling or other private places. In our tradition the State is not omnipresent in the home. And there are other spheres of our lives and existence, outside the home, where the State should not be a dominant presence. Freedom extends beyond spatial bounds. Liberty presumes an autonomy of self that includes freedom of thought, belief, expression, and certain intimate conduct. The instant case involves liberty of the person both in its spatial and more transcendent dimensions.

"Liberty protects the person from unwarranted . . . government intrusions into ... other private places."

Do I have to give you the punchline?  This is a 12-year-old's comic gold!

 

The "liberty of the person both in its spatial and more transcendent dimensions."  But particularly its spatial ones.  Unless I'm missing something [stop!].

 

I love the ending appeal to the Founding Fathers / later legislators:

Had those who drew and ratified the Due Process Clauses of the Fifth Amendment or the Fourteenth Amendment known the components of liberty in its manifold possibilities, they might have been more specific.

I can just imagine the reaction in 1868 to a proposed rider [come on, that's a bit of a stretch] to the 14th Amendment that addresses the "specific" components of liberty it was not granting to gays when they forbade slavery and disenfranchement of Blacks.

 

Anyway, I don't disagree with Kennedy that "[a]s the Constitution endures, persons in every generation can invoke its principles in their own search for greater freedom," or with the outcome of the case.

 

I just think the opinion's rationale is silly-- the Court clearly saw "The Birdcage" and "Will & Grace" and recognized which way the wind was blowing [all right, already--grow up!].

 

And I'm an idiot who'll read SCOTUS opinions for laughs.

And That Rhymes With "P" and That Stands for Poker!

Okay, I play poker online.

I deposited $110 a few months ago.  I've played the wicked, wicked Texas Hold 'Em.

Up some, down some.

My balance is now $95 and change.  Meh.

This, it turns out, does not prove I'm a "fish" or a mediocre player (though both may be true).

It is actually, I just learned, a testament to my timid, prudent and non-addictive personality.

 

My clairvoyant powers (and subscription to Times Select) tell me that this Sunday's New York Times Magazine has an article about some PK (preacher's kid) who ran up $7,500 in debt playing online poker in college and robbed a bank.  I read the first page, anyway.

 

Here it comes... the researchers say it's addictive; it's part of the collapse of society into a swirling vortex of debt and abortions and AIDS; poker players are cheats and gunfighters and drink whisky and hate chillurn; evil moustiachioed foreign casinos are making our youth fritter away their futures and their parents' money; cats and dogs living together-- a disaster of biblical proportions.

 

The panic, the calls for legislation, etc.

 

It's all true, loyal readers.  If the world is still around on Monday, tell me how you liked the article.  I'll be holding a nursery hostage for $15.

3-Day Weekend Recap

This last weekend was packed...

Friday night I came home with Tenderfoot and packed up my stuff.
Saturday morning, the movers came (several hours early) and trucked me off to my new place. Three Chinese guys with a truck and shoulders like Bluto-- they rocked.
Cable guy came by and hooked me up with the Internet.
Unpacked a little; bought some stuff at the hardware store, including two gallons of primer and a barbecue grill.
Saw a big film crew shooting part of Spider-Man 3 outside my office (roll film - drop desk from a crane - Ordinary New Yorkers #s 1-47 run around in panic).
Dragged three big boxes of TF's stuff from her old apartment to her new one.
Lugged the cans of primer over to the old apartment.
Sold my old coffee table to a couple from Park Slope.
Painted over several walls of my old place with primer.
Saw X-Men 3 (one word review: "Eh." Also, The Whaler wasn't in this one, either.)
Baked a birthday cake for Tenderfoot.
Held a rooftop Memorial Day barbecue / TF's birthday party at my old apartment. Grilled food, was grilled by sun. My thanks to the many wonderful friends came by-- sorry to any reading this for spending most of my time over the coals!
Gave TF birthday presents that I think she actually liked (I dread gift-giving).
Stopped by my folks' place.
Cleaned and moved most of the remaining stuff to the new apartment. My old landlord's on my case because he says the garbage men won't pick up anything from the curb that's not in a trash bag (like the frame from my old papasan chair). I told him I don't have a hatchet or saw, so whaddayawantfrommylife? Maybe I'll throw the chair frame under the wheels of the garbage truck to make the pieces baggable.

It was great. Hope your weekend was as nice as mine.

Child of Brangelina

Next time I'm interviewed by the Associated Press, I have to remember to say enough outrageously offensive things that they give me two quotes.

 

Darryn Lyons, who runs some kind of paparazzi company, called the Brangelina offspring "the most anticipated baby since Jesus Christ.''

 

He also said ''You could probably buy Namibia with that picture [of the baby]."

 

And the A.P. was sure to put his quote into perspective with some ridiculous facts:

Namibia, a country half the size of Alaska, is rich in diamonds and strategic metals, but most of its 1.8 million people are poor.

I don't think that addition qualifies this piece as "news," though.  Sorry.

2006 Greatest Flag Ever Award

goes to Bhutan, for a spicy mustard-and-sweet orange sauce colored field overlaid with a dragon holding four tapioca pearls.

X3: Spoiler Trailer

I can't wait for X3: The Last Stand.
Actually, I'm moving Saturday, so I'll probably wait until Sunday.
But I can't wait to complain about the posters.
I admit that I like looking at Famke Janssen as much as the next guy, which is to say, I might not notice my clothes had caught fire if she were asking me for the time. Which would be an excellent kind of superpower, but evidently, her character's powers in the X-Men movies include telekenesis and the ability to, well, resurrect herself from the dead.
Which are also good superpowers. I mean, "mutations." Far superior, as mutations, to albinoism or hemophelia.
But why couldn't they have let me find out* from watching the movie?
Instead, I see Janssen all over the movie posters. And I remember distinctly from the heart-rending climax of X2 that she nobly sacrificed herself by telekenesis-ing a stealth fighter containing her pals from out of the path of a recently un-dammed body of water and was drowned.
Or should I say, drowned-ish. Of course, if she could move a plane off the ground and hold back a raging river with her mind, it really didn't make sense that she couldn't do the same thing from inside the plane .
Unless she just wanted to wash her hair and play possum until the sequel. Sigh. I feel so manipulated.
The Lord of the Rings guys managed to keep it under their hats that you-know-who** was coming back in the second film; why couldn't 20th Century Fox follow their lead?

*Okay, I admit it. I knew about the Jean Grey = Phoenix thing from the Marvel comics. But it's the principle involved, yeah?
**Long beard, pointy hat...

Litvak Update

Big news these days for The Litvak.  Let's see...

 

I'm moving this weekend, from Carroll Gardens near the Gowanus Canal to Prospect Heights, right near Flatbush Avenue.

I just can't avoid my destiny as an engine of gentrification.  I should get to cheer on Ratner's project going up from my stoop.

Or, if roof access works out, from new Brooklyn Rooftop Poker home games.

 

Tenderfoot's birthday is coming up in a few days.  She's going to turn 25 again.  We have this deal where I increase my age by one on her birthday and she doesn't.  So far, so good.

 

Poker.  Well, it's not exactly new, and any of the poker bloggers I've linked to would never stop throwing up if they saw me play.  But I've started playing for very low stakes (VLS) online, which is new for me.  My bankroll went up a little, then down a little, and now I'm about dead even.  I think I've learned enough to beat VLS limit hold 'em (LHE) and VLS no-limit hold 'em (NLHE) sit & go (SNG) tournaments... when I pay attention.  Which, at 10 hour days, five days a week, would now earn me... probably less than minimum wage.  Time not to quit lawyering.

Mostly, I need to get home games going again.  The fun part for me is playing lousy poker with others who do, too, and winning or losing less than I contributed in beer money.

Online, I feel like a submarine captain who needs to outwit the other players to survive-- not always fun.

 

Malaysia.  Terima kasi, as the Malays say.  As they say "thank you," anyway.  Tenderfoot and I got back about a week and a half ago from a vacation to Malaysian Borneo.  I'll post pictures of orangutans and things when I get a moment.  I think I'm 90% over the jetlag, which has been a killer.  A killer that waits until mid-afternoon and then stuffs an ether-soaked rag over your mouth, and can't be kept away with coffee, and gives you terrible nightmares about running ultra-marathons while conducting document discovery. 

I'll also make fun of various aspects of Malaysia, like their national tourism song, Malaysians' directions-giving aptitude, and their national motto ("Truly Asia").  So, if you want start a course of laugh-suppressing drugs to protect yourself from hilarity induced spleen rupture, maybe you can get that scrip filled tomorrow at lunch.

 

Exercise.  I need to start doing some again.  I'm getting fat and sluggish and irritable.  Hot summer weather should help me get ripped and shredded and maybe even thin again.  That, and some road work. No pics needed-- just imagine Ahnold and Van Damme looking at someone and thinking they need to hit the gym, and I'll be that someone.

False Economy

NATIONALIZED

Property of Bolivians

 

...and it was free!  ...All it cost was the trust of the rest of the world!

Blainiac

So, David Blaine is spending a week in a water-filled acrylic sphere .

Then he'll try to hold his breath for the world record-- which is currently 8 minutes, 58 seconds.

While escaping from chains and padlocks, etc.

Uh huh.

It'll be fun to watch him try.

 

Planet of the Apes - Life Imitates Art

Some chimps in Sierra Leone attacked and killed some people.

 

Police don't know how the chimanzees escaped from the Tacugama Chimpanzee Sanctuary or why they attacked.

OBL and Me Don't Always See Eye to Eye

Courtesy of Al Jazeera comes the text of Osama Bin' Laden's latest rant...

 

My fave bits, with retorts:

 

OBL:  The West is incapable of recognising the rights of others. It will not be able to respect others' beliefs or feelings. The West still believes in ethnic supremacy and looks down on other nations. They categorise human beings into white masters and coloured slaves.

The Litvak:  Dude, Saudi Arabia abolished slavery in 1962.  Sudan still has slavery.

OBL:  [Racism] is why [the West created] the United Nations and the veto power ... . They regard jihad for the sake of God or defending one's self or his country as an act of terror. US and Europe consider jihad groups in Palestine, Chechnya, Iraq and Afghanistan as terrorist groups, so how could we talk or have understanding with them without using weapons?

The Litvak:  Uh, what?  What was the jihad group trying to say in Beslan, exactly?

OBL:  The ongoing injustice and aggression did not stop in the last nine decades, while all attempts to reclaim our rights and exact justice on the Israeli oppressors, were blocked by the leadership of the Crusaders and Zionists' alliance by using the so-called veto power.

The Litvak:  Wow; you're making me wish I had this "veto power."  Oh, wait.  No.  You're saying I do have it.  Sweet.  Watch your step, everyone!

OBL:  [The West's] rejection to Hamas has reaffirmed that they were waging a crusade against Islam.

The Litvak:  Uh...

OBL:  The US was not satisfied by all the sedition and crimes, but went on to incite sedition, the largest of which was the west Sudan sedition by exploiting some disputes between the tribes and sparking a savage war between them that will spare nothing, prior to sending in Crusader troops to occupy the region and steal its oil wealth under the pretext of peacekeeping.

The Litvak:  The U.S. did that?  Finally, we're gonna get something out of peacekeeping...

OBL:  Our objective is obvious, that is defending Islam, the people and the land but not Khartoum government since our differences with them are so enormous, mostly when it backtracked in implementing the Sharia law and abandoned south Sudan.

The Litvak:  Well, I didn't vote for them either, Osama.

OBL:  I urge the mujahidin to get acquainted with Darfur state tribes and land and its surroundings, keeping in mind that the region is about to face the rainy season that hampers means of transport.

The Litvak:  Thanks for the travel tip!  I'll pack galoshes.

OBL:  ...This is one of the reasons why the occupation was adjourned for six months. So it is imperative to speed up action and benefit from the time factor by stocking a large amount of landmines and anti-armour grenades such as RPGs [rocket propelled grenades].

The Litvak:  Right.  I'll stop droppin' bombs all ova' Brooklyn an' save some for Khartoum, yo!

OBL:  What was the aim of the pressure against Indonesia by the Crusaders countries until East Timor, 24 hours after a warning by the UN? A Crusader-Zionist-Hindu war against Muslims.

The Litvak:  I would never have guessed the answer to that one.  Are you saying we have the Hindus on our team now?  We are so gonna kick your butt in the next Crusader-Zionist-Hindu v. Umma cricket match.  It'll be close, anway.

OBL:  With respect to Pakistan, some Muslims have done a good job by assisting their fellow Muslims, God bless them, but the Pashtun tribes must be aided after the Pakistan army devastated their homes in Waziristan in order to satisfy the US.

The Litvak:  Come on, everything the people you don't like do is not "to satisfy the U.S."

OBL:  What does the silence over Russian atrocities inside Chechnya mean, along with mutilating their bodies by tying them to tanks while the so-called free world gives its blessings and even secretly supports the aggression ? This is a Zionist crusade.

The Litvaks:  Yes, the Russians do our bidding.  It all makes sense now.

OBL:  And the use of depleted uranium, besieging Iraq for years, causing the death of more than one million children which amazed all who had visited Iraq, including the Westerners themselves? It is a malicious crusade against Muslims.

The Litvak:  Depleted uranium killed one million Iraqi children? I am amazed.

OBL:  What about the continuous cultural domination through the setting up of radio stations and TV channels along with the Voice of America, London and others to continue the cultural domination of Muslims, combat our beliefs, change our values, encourage vice and even interfere with school curricula? 

The Litvak:  It's all true.  First we distract you with the uranium-child-megadeath, then we land the school curriculum change!  Wham-BAM!

OBL:  I think I'm falling for you, The Litvak.

The Litvak:  Gotta go.  Take a shower.

DNA, SchmeeNA

From an article from today's NYT about "recreational" genetic testing to determine the ethnicity of yer forebears:

Israeli authorities have so far denied John Haedrich what he calls his genetic birthright to citizenship without converting to Judaism. Under Israel's "law of return," only Jews may immigrate to Israel without special dispensation.

Mr. Haedrich, a nursing home director who was raised a Christian, found through a DNA ancestry test that he bears a genetic signature commonly found among Jews. He says his European ancestors may have hidden their faith for fear of persecution.

Rabbis, too, have disavowed the claim: "DNA, schmeeNA," Mr. Haedrich, 44, said the rabbi at a local synagogue in Los Angeles told him when he called to discuss it.

Undeterred, Mr. Haedrich has hired a lawyer to sue the Israeli government.

Please, Mr. Haedrich.  We are honored that you're so proud of your possibly Jewish ancestry-- but there's more to being Jewish than "Jewish genes," suing people, or moving to Israel.  Those are just stereotypes.

Why not start by going to a Holocaust-themed movie and eating Chinese food next Christmas?

 

On that note-- Happy Pesach, everyone.

Friedman's Asian Immigrant Fetish

Not to be outdone by Brooks's simple-minded column on immigration, Thos. Friedman pulls out all the stops with his metaphor-o-thon!: 

Gated Community:  When it comes to immigration, Friedman wants "a very high fence, with a very big gate."  That means tamperproof ID cards, which are like a fence you keep in your pocket if you want health care.

Sports Team:  Talented foreigners are "first-round intellectual draft choices."

Ye Age of Talente:  We now live in the "Talent Age, and countries that make it easy to draw in human talent will have a distinct advantage today."

Immigrants --> Cool Toys:  Switzerland's most famous invention is the lowly cuckoo clock because it is difficult to immigrate to Switzerland.  I suppose our most famous invention is the hamburger because we were savvy enough to open our shores...

Asian Immigrants are Economic Viagra:  The "huge pent-up aspirations" of China and India are like a shaken Champagne bottle -- "Don't get in the way of that cork. Immigrants keep that kind of energy flowing in America's veins."  Friedman is silent about what kind of wonder drug non-Asian immigrants might be.

Money quote #1:  "Porous borders empower only anti-immigrant demagogues, like the shameful CNN, which dumbs down the whole debate."  Pot, meet kettle.  Kettle, pot.

 

Money quote #2:  "...many [factory] jobs can now be done faster by a computer or cheaper by a Chinese worker."  Hah!  Friedman-- you admit there's a difference.  Gotcha!

Reading Newspaper May Cause Stupidity, Foaming at Mouth

David Brooks wades into the difficult and complicated immigration debate with this tripe (Times Select):

The anti-immigration crowd says this country is under assault. But if that's so, we're under assault by people who love their children.

Give me a break.  Even if Brooks is right about immigration, that is the single stupidest argument I've read in weeks.

In a world. On a plane. With snakes on it.

"Snakes on a Plane" will maybe be a little too self-consciously "B Movie" to be the best B Movie ever, but I am there.
Check out the unofficial movie blog (courtesy of F Train).

Thug Cops Nab Hero Coyote

Give 'em Hell, Hal!

Support the Municipality!

From Strongbad's excellent new Easter egg:

Hello there, Widdoo Killa'!

Habitat of the Florida panther disappearing, per NYT.  Booooring.

But wookit the baby panther!

Hewwo thea, Widdoo Killa'!

Firm Life a la OOTS

Rich Burlew, author of Order of the Stick (check my links, yo!), hits the nail on the head: